My extreme good mood, a rollickingly positive sense that all things are possible, seems to have vanished. It is gone. I am back to feeling dark, unhopeful and downright cranky. My kids are annoying, I am a bother to myself and I want to swear and complain about each raindrop, blossom or cat that unwittingly passes my path.
I walked yesterday a lot. Who cares, really? I on occasion I pass my eyes over Trees, the less than stellar May poem I found in a lack-luster internet search. I seem to care not one wit.
I feel as if I have lost my way. What does that mean? I don’t have the gumption to push things forward. I am reacting and thrashing in my life.
My son graduates from college on Saturday and his biological father, a man I have not seen often, outside of Family Court where I asked for the piddling over due child support. Other than court, I have not seen him in the last 15 years. But he will be attending. Well of course he is, any sane person chimes in. But no. The man inveigled his mother to pay for an expensive lawyer to argue, and win by the by, the right NOT TO PAY a cent, not one red cent for his kid’s college education.
So how does he, the sperm donor, so monikered by our daughter, how does the SD get to come to graduation, to celebrate and fete his son? By dint of kindness. By the power of forgiveness as I envision being able to practice it. As I aspire to embrace it. When in fact I am not nearly close.
Is this what has me so low? I am not enlightened enough to tell. I am feeling depleted from lack of work, from lack of ambition and from a sinking feeling that perhaps it won’t get better.
I have for some time seen the weather as a mirror for my own moods. I know that I normally do not live in a rainy, gray place, but occupy a moderate, temperate climate. So how am I now relegated to London, or Seattle, and can’t seem to find a cheap ticket out of here?
Asking doesn’t help. A nice big assignment, a job, a prospect, someone saying wow I think you are great, all that would be a kick toward the sunshine. I am at a loss. I so loved the wave of positivism, which washed over me and seemed to inoculate me against criticism, crank calls, unfinished business and the general geck and gull of life. I miss that feeling. But like being in love you know when it passes, when the flicker has gone out. And you mourn.
There is no new trip to India on my horizon. There is the happiness of graduation and the potential; I tell myself, that I will find a job, a real job. One with a regular paycheck and lo and behold health insurance, and a coterie of other workers talking and solving problems. But I am aware that employment may not materialize and I will be furloughed here to rainy and gray for quite a while.
I suppose I should walk and learn this poem.Oh the road to good intentions is paved with shoulds.