It is the day after my 15th wedding anniversary and a great job interview. An interview where in the aftermath, I am attempting to find the balance between OH MY GOD THE INTERVIEW WAS AMAZING
And let’s just wait and see who else they are speaking with.
Let’s be calm.
Let’s be measured and say,
it was a great hour of talk and idea and notion exchange and if that is all it is, well then so be it.
Oh are there folks who can really parse and believe that ? I’d like it to be me but I am too much of an emotional pendulum.
And during this day of spinning emotions I toted my poem in my pocket and read it as I waited on the bench outside the university under the linden trees, which were in full aromatic bloom. I was nervous. I was. I had that stomach in my mouth sensation and needed to find a calmer center and so after calling my daughter, who gave me a perfect pep talk, I retreated to my rather pokey May poem.
And I saw that the trees above me were just coming into bloom and that they formed a kind of canopy over me, which provided the cocoon I needed to focus and find myself. I then walked around the block reciting and igniting my brain with the power of memory. And by the time I arrived, I felt centered and I felt like me, not a nervous fidgety version of me.
The interview was a time to meet new people who work in my field. It was a moment to talk about the power or down side of non-profits and how to manage them. And if that is all it was, I have to find a way to be content with that outcome. I invest so quickly in friends, jobs, ideas, and I want to find that more measured approach.
It is funny because with the poems, with activating my memory, I find I cannot speed it up. No extra coffee, or multi-tasking turns up the memory speed button. It is rote, slow over and over work. See the words, understand the words and find the sequence and why one thing follows the next in the poet’s mind and hence in mine.
When I slow down to the pace where my memory works as opposed to how my fingers or mouth or the Internet zooms, I am sated and composed. A welcome state.
A first ever P.S.
A wonderful friend of my daughter’s Janosch Delcker made this video as a part of his series called Urban Observations. Please check it out, as he is so talented.